Fragile: Broken Pieces

76. Broken Pieces

Beneath the tree with his legs crossed, arms resting on his knee joints, and faceplates devoid of any expression, Prowl looked every bit the picture of peace and calm, but his processor was far from such things. The inner turmoil plaguing him kept him from meditating properly, his thoughts jumping from one thing to another, the events of the past month replaying over and over. In his meta, he saw his sparkling, still connected to Bumblebee's spark, and in that one memory, it was alive. However, reality would always creep through and replace it with that image once more, the one he could never get rid of.

Shuddering, Prowl onlined his optics, laying on his back to stare up at the sky through his ceiling. The late afternoon sun had painted the sky a pale blue that would later darken as evening came. As much as he would've enjoyed watching the sky change a dazzling array of colors come sunset, he wanted to wait until his mate was there to watch it with him. He'd found that distractions--even the most simplest ones-- slowly helped the smaller mech to put the incident behind him. Especially since Sari had very nearly destroyed everything they'd been working towards with her unfortunate timing and disasterous words.

Prowl groaned at the thought of how close the techno-organic had come to ruining the beetle's progress. He'd been doing so well, little by little trying to fall back into a normal routine and prove to the others as well Prowl and himself that he was going to be okay. Sari's statement and the reaction it had garnered had been a step backwards, yes, but not as big as one he'd been fearing. True, Bumblebee had slipped back into grief, his emotions once again a twisted mess of despair. For a few days, he did nothing but lay on the berth, clicking in grief and staring at the wall with guilt-ridden optics. It had taken him nearly a solar cycle to convince the scout to come out of the room again, but once he did, Bumblebee would spend at least two megacycles with Prowl and the others in the living room, watching something they could all agree on at the least. Fortunately, the gruesome images that had terrorized Bumblebee's recharge hadn't returned, and Prowl counted that as a small victory. As long as those night terrors didn't return, there was hope Bumblebee would recover soon.

The one thing he could not convince the scout of otherwise was placing blame on himself for the sparkling's termination. Prowl knew that the guilt was the one obstacle keeping Bumblebee from recovering any faster than he was. He thought there was something wrong with him that had prevented the sparkling from getting everything it needed from him, that his own body had rejected and killed their creation because of some glitch they hadn't found or couldn't be fixed. No matter how times Ratchet had looked him over and declared he was fine, that some things will happen they could never understand, the minibot still apologized for somehow killing their child. It broke Prowl's spark every time he would catch Bumblebee praying to Primus to fix whatever was wrong with him and hope that it never happened to another.

'It's not his fault.' The small reminder had been reassurance once. Now, it was just a precursor to another train of thought, one that took him back down a road of painful memories. 'An eye for an eye,' He couldn't remember where he'd heard the Earth phrase; only that it had been assaulting him every solar cycle since the accident. Bumblebee blamed himself but had no idea that Prowl felt just as responsible. The deactivation of his sparkling had been his punishment for selfishly sacrificing a protoform to save his master whose time had come. In the back of his processor, he could still see his master, frowning upon him with disappointment and anger blazing in his tired, worn optics. His former shell laying just feet from him, Yoketron had given Prowl his final lesson and willed his spark to go out.

Prowl had traded one life for another, and Primus had sought retribution by taking his sparkling's life. This was his punishment, it had to be, and Bumblebee was the one suffering for it. 'A life for a life. I'm so sorry, Bumblebee.'

The sound of his door sliding open then shut signaled the scout's return. Ratchet had called him by comm. link for what he had assumed was another medical appointment. Sitting up, he was met with a glare and disapproving frown.

"How could you?" The amount of venom in Bumblebee's tone surprised Prowl. The cyberninja rose to his pedes, his visor questioning.

"What are you..."

"They told me what you did to Sari!" The scout shrieked, optics smoldering. Prowl cursed his teammates. Of course they'd tell him. Sari hadn't been around for days, most likely avoiding the base for fear of getting hurt. He didn't what he'd been thinking, and he was ashamed of himself for almost hurting one of the few organic friends they had. Sighing, Prowl looked Bumblebee in the optics.

"I lost my temper, and I hate myself for what I did. I'm sorry, Bumblebee."

"I'm not the one you should saying sorry to," The yellow mech retorted, and Prowl knew he was right, "I've been waiting for almost a week for her to come back so I could tell her I forgive her. She won't even answer when I call. I thought she was just afraid of saying the wrong thing again. No, you overreacted, and it's all your fault that she's even afraid to come near here." The older mech had to suppress the growl wanting to creep from his vocalizer. He knew it was his fault, but he hadn't gotten a chance to get away to apologize. He didn't need any more guilt trips. Not from anyone, let alone Bumblebee.

"Don't you think I know that?"

"Then why did you do it?"  

"I was angry, alright? You were getting better, and I was...afraid she'd ruined that," Bumblebee's optics widened slightly. Prowl admitting any kind of fear was rare. The last time he remembered the ninja-bot admitting he was scared was when Sari had accidentally stabbed him during her upgrade, the blade coming just inches from his spark. It had been close, too close, but he'd survived, "It was hard, watching everything we've worked for nearly destroyed by someone's big mouth." Baby-blue optics flashed in anger, narrowing once more.

"Oh, you think this has been easy for me, Prowl? Losing the sparkling was the most painful experience of my lifestream, and I've been through the Pit just trying to put it behind me. The least you could do is not scare off any who could help." Prowl felt his spark stop before flaring in rage. He didn't care that he'd probably be spending the night alone for the first time since they'd been bonded; he'd had enough. He snapped.

"The least I could I do?!" Bumblebee flinched at the volume of Prowl's voice, realizing his mistake an astrosecond too late, "I've been right there by you every nanosecond since then. I've lost hours of stasis helping your aft, dealing with you and your nightmares, giving you all the support I can, and the only thing you care about is one moment of stupidty on my part. You've done nothing but blame yourself, and, for some reason, I can't convince you otherwise so I give up!" Prowl's engine was revving hard, his vent cycling air furiously as he ranted, practically oblivious to the hurt he was feeling from the other.

"And just so you know, this hasn't been easy for me either. I've been trying my damnedest, hiding everything away so I wouldn't burden you with it, but since you don't care, I guess it doesn't really matter. I saw the tarp covering our sparkling's body, I've had nightmares of my own where I lost both of you, and I've been tearing myself apart, thinking that this is all some punishment of Primus for giving up a protoform's life just save someone else's. Are you happy now?!"

Silence followed the end of Prowl's confession, the heaving of his vents and the almost feral revving of his engine the only sounds either made. Bumblebee was staring at his bondmate in shock, mouth hanging open, optics wide. He'd had absolutely no idea that Prowl had been going through such hell for him, and he'd practically amounted all of it to nothing in favor of one little mistake. The ninja turned away from him even as Bumblebee stepped forward.

"Prowl, I..."

"Leave me alone, Bumblebee."

"But..." The yellow mech took another step forward.

"I said leave me alone!" Prowl's arm flew up to keep the scout from getting any closer. He'd underestimated the distance. A horrifying clang rent the air as the back of Prowl's servo struck the pliable metal of Bumblebee's cheek. His spark skipped a pulse as he looked up to see the black paint scuff now decorating the light gray cheek. Bumblebee's optics were wide in shocked disbelief. He raised one servo to his cheek, lightly brushing the mark left by Prowl, optics filling with hurt and betrayal. Sick realization registered in Prowl's processor as he stared at his own hand, a light gray paint scuff on the back. He'd hit Bumblebee. Accident or not, Prowl had struck his bondmate in anger.

"Bumblebee...I-I didn't mean to..."

"Go." Bumblebee's voice wavered, clearly holding back clicks the best he could, lowering his faceplate to stare at the floor, "Just fragging go, Prowl." The cyberninja reached out one servo to the scout, but the latter turned away, hugging himself to suppress the slight shaking of his frame. Horrified and disgusted with himself, Prowl slowly walked out past the small mech, trying but failing to look him in the optics as he kept turning away from him. The door slid shut when the black and gold mech finally crossed the threshold, leaving him alone in the hallway. There was a click from the other side, telling him that he'd been locked out. He pressed one audio receptor to the door, his own guilt growing as he listened to the spark-broken cries from inside, knowing he was the cause and that this time he couldn't offer the comfort Bumblebee needed.

Unable to listen to anymore, Prowl backed away from the door until he reached the main room. He was met with several questioning and concerned stares but didn't give any mech a chance to corner him as he took off running, shifting to his alt. mode once he was outside, tires screeching as he sped away from the base. Optimus turned to Ratchet, unsure of what to do.

"Shouldn't we do something?" Ratchet shook his head, turning back to his old war wound.

"No. I told you we shouldn't have told Bumblebee what happened. And if we go confront either of them now, we'll probably just make it worse. Let them sort it out." Optimus sighed, turning on the computer console to track Prowl's signature. He didn't know what had happened though judging by the shouting, he could only assume the worst. He had thought telling Bumblebee about Prowl's attack on Sari was for the best since the ninja didn't seem to be admitting it himself, but now he realized he'd probably caused more damage than before. 'Primus, I hope Jazz arrives soon.' Optimus sincerely hoped that whatever he'd caused, whatever he had broken between the two, could be fixed. It was going to tear him apart if he was the one responsible for destroying their relationship; he didn't know if he could live himself if he was.